


Not Broken Enough To Forget

by yasminakohl



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Aftercare, M/M, S&M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-07
Updated: 2017-06-15
Packaged: 2018-04-25 08:27:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4953346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yasminakohl/pseuds/yasminakohl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve hasn't forgotten a single thing since he stepped out of the Rebirth Chamber.<br/>This is not  a good thing.<br/>He has tried to forget the sound of Bucky's scream, the sounds of Peggy's fear drenched voice, the sound of gun shots in a concrete room. It never works, so he tries something drastic. </p><p>It's a good thing Thor and Tony are there to catch him when he falls. Literally and figuratively.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Right now this is a one-shot but I may find my self pulled back to it at some point.
> 
> I set this at explicit because I know if I do come back the boys will get together. I can't keep them apart. 
> 
> The whole sorry not sorry thing applies.

Tony and Thor were the only two in the tower when they heard the elevator door open. The spy twins were off spying and Bruce was off trying to save the world one impoverished Indian at a time again.

Tony glanced up, but did a double take. Steve's hair was black, his clothes were nothing Tony had ever seen him in before. A shear black muscle shirt, a black leather jacket with chains hanging over one sleeve, and leather pants that rivaled his uniform pants for the painted on look and combat boots that needlessly added another two inches to his height.

It was that second look that had Tony throwing his tablet down and rushing to Steve's side. That look was were Tony saw the glazed eyes of pain, the stiff staggered steps, after pushing away from the elevator door frame.

"Steve?" Tony asked his hands bracing Steve's shoulders.

Steve looked at Tony but he didn't seem to be focusing on him. Steve tried to take another step but stumbled. "Fuck, Thor." Thor was there in a second, lifting Steve's weight off of Tony but when Steve cried out and his legs buckles again, Tony was terrified. 

Tony and Thor locked their arms and draped Steve over them so only his apparently pain free chest was all that was touched.

"Over the back of the love seat. Let his arms hang over the back." Tony said. Thor carefully manhandled the blond-turned-Raven haired man as ordered. Tony lifted up the back of the jacket and cringed. "Fuck, Steve, what did you do?" Tony carefully pulled the leather free from Steve's arms, then lifted it gently from the heavily bruised back. 

"How is he still marked?" Thor asked, eyes wide. 

"I've got an idea or two." Tony says as he moves to the back of the couch and kneels down so he can look at Steve. "Why?"

"Waa-nn-eddd fooooorgeeeeet." Steve lisped.

"What did you want to forget?"

"Everything." Came a whispered answer with a shiver and a hiss. 

"The Captain had this done to him?" Thor asked, barely understanding.

Tony ran a hand over his face. "Yeah, he did. He has an eidetic memory."

"This has been mentioned before, why would that lead him to this?!" Thor asked, a hand waved towards Steve's back.

"There is a counterculture on Earth that uses physical pain to cloud the mind, to let go of emotional pain."

"He has this much pain?"

"Thor, his memory isn't like yours or even mine. He remembers in vivid detail everything that's happened to him since the serum was given to him. He remembers every sound he's heard, every smell, hell he remembers the wind and the temperature of the exact second Bucky fell off-" Tony stopped at the pained gasped the came from Steve. Tony knelt back down to Steve's level. "I'm sorry. Bad example. He remembers the temperature and exact smell of the room the second he stepped out of the chamber." Tony said, his hand rubbing Steve's cheek. "How much after care did they give you?"

Steve shook his head, "Left."

Tony gasped, "What the fuck, Steve? You have to know you needed that. You have to know you needed someone to look after you."

"Can't." Steve shivered, and then bit off a scream as every muscle and inch of skin on his back flared in agony. "Heee-al."

"Fuck." Tony dropped down to sit on the floor. 

Thor spoke up again, "I do not understand."

"Usually once the person had gotten to the point of forgetting, they are allowed to stay in that mental place until they are ready to deal with everything again, then someone helps them back to reality and takes care of any damage, for lack of a better description. He didn't want anyone to know who he was, that's why the hair and the clothes. He looks like an imitator or fan or something. But if he'd stayed and someone had noticed his back healing to quickly, he would have been found out."

Steve tried to nod in agreement but moving pulled on everything and choked. 

Tony noticed the shivers Steve was trying to keep at bay. "Fuck. We need to get him to his room and laid out. Can you carry him with out touching his back?"

"Yes, but I can not move him with out moving him." Thor pointed out.

"I know, maybe he'll pass out. But we need to get him somewhere flat and warm. I don't know when the creepy twins will be back and I doubt he wants them to see him like this."

Thor walked next to Tony and lifted Steve over the couch back, curling his arms around his shoulders. His added height was enough that Steve was dangling. He whimpered but other wise made no noise. 

In the elevator Tony called to Jarvis, "Steve's room- no mine. I have things that will help."

"I have raised the temperature in your room to 80 degrees, Sir."

"Good." Tony was trying to figure out the logistic of laying Steve on his stomach but Thor quickly handled it. "I need to go get a few things. Don't leave him. Keep touching him, soothing touches," Tony ran a hand through Steve's hair and watched a measure of tension bleed off from the solider. "Talk to him, reassuring words. Remind him we're here to help him. That we all care for him," Tony leaned down, "remind him that he is a good man." Another sob broke free. Tony stayed as long as he dared, running his hand through Steve's hair. When he was afraid the shivering would start again he nodded to Thor.

Thor took over as Tony raced to his closet and pulled out a thin metallic thermal blanket. He unfurled it and draped it over Steve's still black and blue back. "God, what did they use on you?"

"Chhhhain." Steve answered.

"No fucking way. Damn it Steve. They could have broken bones."

"Know." 

Tony cursed retreating to his bathroom. He had several things for bruises but most were things that needed to be rubbed into the skin. Steve wouldn't be able to tolerate that just now. 

"Sir, if I may, the witch hazel in the bottom left back of the right cabinet. It would be best to layer several layers of paper towels on his back and pour the solution over them."

"Thank you, J." 

"I will have several more bottles delivered as I believe it will take several treatments through out the night to treat the Captain."

"You're a good man, Jarvis."

"As you have made me, Sir, so are you."

"Don't spread that around, it'll ruin my street cred."

"Of course, Sir."

Tony retuned to the bedroom with the bottle and left again to grab the roll of paper towels. 

"He sweats but shivers." Thor told him when he retuned this time.

"The shivers are from the reduced adrenaline in his system and the shock setting in now that he's not dealing with lash after lash. The sweat is because his body is in over drive to heal what was done and he runs about 100 degrees to begin with. Then the thermal blanket is reflecting his own body heat back to him."

Tony kelt on the bed and lifted the solver blanket away, "Did they break your skin at all?"

Steve swallowed carefully, "No."

"Good this hurts like a bitch on a cut." Tony laid out the paper towels and poured the cool liquid on to Steve's back.

"No no ice. No Ice! No." Steve panicked.

"Of God Thor hold him down." Tony scurried onto Steve's ass, sitting down. Thor pressed down onto Steve's shoulders with a large amount of his strength. 

Steve keened as the cold seeped into his skin. "Nononononononono."

Tony leaned forward bracing his hands on the bed, his arms touching Steve's sides. "You're in my room. You are not on Schmidt's plane. Your not in the ice. Stop and breath." Steve had started to hyperventilate. At the order he took a deep breath. "You are safe. I know it's cold, I'm sorry, I didn't think about it being a trigger, but you have to have it. I don't have anything else I can use on you right now. In a few hours, when you've healed some, and can be touched, I have creams that will help. But right now this is what we are going to use." Tony kept his voice light but strong. "I should have known, should have warned you. I will when I re-apply it."

Steve wanted to scream, wanted to shiver, wanted to curl into himself and move away from the oppressive cold. But he couldn't. He didn't have the strength to fight against Thor or Tony for that fact. 

"I'm going to add a little more along your hips." Tony warned this time. 

Steve tried to brace for it but couldn't stop his reaction to the cold liquid. Thor's weight on his shoulders were the only thing keeping him from rolling away from it.

"I need to ask you something."

Steve panted through the flash of dark water surrounding him.

"Steve." Tony's voice was sharp, demanding an answer,

Steve was yanked back into now, "Whhha?"

"Did they hurt you anywhere else?"

"No."

"Did you sleep with anyone?"

"Not about sex." Steve could get more words out if he didn't try to talk loudly, that seemed like some sort of paradox Tony would want to study.

"I'm going to move for now. Try and sleep for a bit." Tony said as his weight shifted and Steve felt him set the blanket back over him.

Steve let the fog roll over him, he was asleep in minutes.

"J, backtrack where he was and how long he was there. And grab any feeds of what was done if there was any. Also see if anyone saw him come to the tower. Away from here people may not put two and two and get a chain whipped Captain America, but close to home..."

"Yes, Sir."

"What can we do for him?" Thor asked, his hand still resting on Steve's shoulder. 

"This." Tony nodded towards Steve's prone body, "Wait for him to wake up, talk to him, keep him warm while he heals. Make sure he eats a little bit."

"You have extensive knowledge of such acts..." Thor left the statement open ended.

"I've tried just about everything Midgard has to offer at one point or another. Some things more than once. I've never tried this part per say. But a few well timed smacks on a naked ass, can add to sex, a few other things," Tony shrugged, "most of what I did was to heighten sex, not forget a life time of agonizing grief."

"His memory is that strong?"

"Yeah, he doesn't really forget any thing, he just might have to stop and actively remember it, pull up the file so to speak, but all the data is there. Sights, scents, sounds, emotions, sensations, everything. He could probably tell you the wind speed, train speed, the smell of the gun powder from their pistols, the sound of Bucky's scream." Tony explained. 

"That would be weary. I have seen much in battle, but time has allowed some of the more bitter memories to diminish."

"He doesn't get that luxury." Tony said. 

"Sir, I've found the club and there was a feed, for insurance purposes. They do not film where sexual activities take place but as Captain was not seeking such acts..."

Tony nodded and got up from the bed, "I'm going to get a drink and see how bad it was so I know how long this is going to take."

Thor nodded and moved to a near by chair to wait out their comrade's slumber.

At the bar Tony poured a good shot of scotch, drank it, poured another and told Jarvis to play the footage. Tony watched as Steve took five hits before he made a sound, five more before he flinched. Six more before he let go and slumped to the floor. Sixteen. Steve had stood and taken sixteen lashes, with a fairly thick chain, not tied, just sheer willpower. And Steve must have brought the chain with with him, that wasn't usually an item stocked in a dungeon. 

Tony watched the dungeon master watch Steve as he stood up slowly, put on his shirt and jacket and yep, pick up the chain and leave. The entire time the man is fighting to not reach out to Steve and help him. Steve had to have made very specific requirements for his scene. Tony downed the second scotch. 

"What did the trace come up with Jarvis?"

"The captain took a cab from the Tower to a coffee shop near a hotel in a less than desirable area, then procured a room, entered, then exists dressed as he was when he returned to the Tower. His return was similar, he took a cab to another coffee house, then took a second cab to the Tower. It is unlikely that his movements will be traced to the Tower. However there has been a glitch in the system and the video will be unable to be retrieved in the future."

"Jarvis, you rat, you."

"Yes, Sir. The footage of what you watched has been altered to look like a camera setting error. For the night."

"Everyone will be alright?"

"No one will need the footage before or after the Captain's appearance." 

"Good."

"The establishment the Captain utilized is reputable and well maintained. The information I have accessed shows that they have a genuine care for their clients and that at least two people were distraught at not being able to provide for Captain Rogers."

"Good. Pepper hates it when I buy things just to close them down. Makes her itchy." Tony said with a head nod. 

"Of course, Sir."

"Is it possible to warm that crap up so it doesn't send Steve into another tail spin?"

"No, Sir. It evaporates easily."

"Crap. How long before I have to wake him up?"

"No more than 45 minutes."

"It's going to be a long night."

"Yes, Sir. The shipment will be here momentarily."

"What food do I have to feed a beaten super solider?"

"I have added several meat and cheese trays to the incoming delivery." 

"This is why you are my favorite."

"I believe it is more because I have never doused you with fire retardant."

"That just adds to the love." Tony smiled. The elevator dinged as it opened, there was a few boxes on the floor. "Show time."

Tony grabbed up the boxes and carried them into the bedroom. He quietly opened them. He pulled out a roll of towels and a bottle setting them on the table then pulled a platter free and added it to the table.

Thor asked quietly, "Did you find the information you needed?"

"Yeah. He was pretty safe about it, double taxis to and from, and the place he went to was pretty good. They were bothered by his demand of no care. Some places, it wouldn't cross their minds to be bothered." Tony shrugged. "The hits were clean and not overly brutal. He's taken worse in battle."

Thor nodded, they all had, but to seek it out, that might bother him for some time. "Is there a way for us to help him should he need to forget?"

Tony shook his head, "I don't know but I will be asking." 

Steve shifted in his sleep then gasped as something pulled. 

"Hey since your awake, I want you try to eat a few bites." Tony said walking over to the bed. 

Steve watched him with heavy eyes, and tipped his chin upwards once. Tony took it as a yes and picked up a few bites of cheese and meat. He turned and watched as Steve swallowed then opened his mouth. Tony placed a cheese square on Steve's tongue and then as it disappear. They did this through several pieces before Steve shook his head no. 

"Water?" 

"Later."

"Next time." Tony said, his voice firm. Dehydration was something to watch for as well.

"Do it." Steve mumbled.

"Are you sure? You could wait another half hour, Jarvis said."

Steve nodded best he could. "You want Thor to hold you again?" Another partial nod. Thor returned to the bed and placed his hands were they had been before. 

This was the scene three more times that night. Steve would sleep for a few hours, Tony would feed him a dozen bites and get him to drink some water, then Thor would hold Steve down while Tony pour the perpetually cold liniment on Steve's back. During the night it had gone from dark purple all over to yellow green in most places. 

In the early hours of the morning Tony told Steve that the next time he would use he creams but it was going to hurt.

Steve's response was, "Hasn't stopped yet."

"I think you should get up and move around, loosen some things up, maybe take a warm shower." Tony suggested. 

Steve nodded, the witch hazel wasn't sticky, but it did leave a residue that was starting to making his back itch, in a way that was different from the healing. Steve pulled one knee up and rolled his weight onto that hip, he pulled his other leg up and felt Thor help him to kneeling position. He bit off the whimper that tried to break free. Once standing, Steve willed his legs not to buckle again. He'd been injured worse, but for some reason, this had taken the biggest toll on his system. Hell this was worse then the time he ended up with two rounds of buck shot in the back.

Thor wrapped an arm around his waist and they slowly made it to Tony's bathroom. "Do you require help?"

"Think I'm good." Steve answered.

"Sir, I believe there is an individual in the lobby you need to speak to." Jarvis said the second Tony heard the water start.

"Go I will stay to help if he needs." Thor said 

Tony nodded, "Keep him warm. Try to get him to eat a little." Tony said while pulling on his shoes. 

In the elevator Jarvis spoke again, "It appears to be the man from the video, Sir. He is asking for Captain Rogers. He seems as distressed as he did at the club. I do not think he is here with any ill intent."

"Thanks J. Have security take him to one of the smaller conference rooms."

"I had already taken the liberty, Sir."

"You keep reminding me why I love you best, Jarvis."

Tony stepped out of the elevator and a guard stepped forward, "Sir, he seemed very upset and refused to leave until he was permitted to see the Captain."

"It's alright Josh. I think I know what it's about. Did the gentleman give his name?"

"Yes, sir. Stan Bankson." Josh pulled an ID card from his pocket, a military ID card. Mr. Stan Bankson was actually Major Stan Bankson.

"Shit." Tony said taking that card. "Jarvis you're grounded." Tony mumbled stepping into the room security had stashed the Major.

"So I wasn't wrong." 

Tony watched the Major for a few moments. "I'm sorry, wrong about what?"

"Don't play dense with me, Mr. Stark. I was in the bank when Captain Rogers took on the Chitari bombers. I watched him be blown out the window and saw him getting up from the destroyed car. A bit of leather and hair dye is not much a disguise for a man who can take 16 chain wipes with barely a sound."

Tony studied the Major, he was in his mid-fifties, his hair more gray than not, but it looked good on the man. He wanted to snort when he realized he was built like Steve; tall, massive shoulders, and a tiny ass waist. "Stan. I can call you Stan right? Good. The person who you saw earlier was not Captain America. He was a solider who wanted to forget a war that only caused him bone weary grief and an accident that cost him everything he'd ever known."

"Mr. Stark, I am not here for anything more than an assurance that the man in my club earlier is being given the care he needs and reminded that he has people to lean on."

"He is being taken care of." Tony nodded, his face softening a degree. 

"Thank you." Stan pulled a slip of paper from his pocket, he started to hand it to Tony but stopped, he instead turned and set it on the conference table. "Tell the solider, he's not welcome back in my club." Stan held up a hand when Tony started to sputter. "If he needs my services again, to call me at that number. Everyone who worked last night was ex-military, if they put fifteen and one together and get star, they will keep their mouths shut, however there are others that might not."

"He got that lucky?"

"Mr. Stark, no matter what hair color that man has, his physique is world known. Even leaving before he could heal, one look at that ass of his would have a thousand reported pounding down my dungeon door."

"You own the club?"

"It's not known, my other career, well, it's not known. I have a partner who lets on that its fully his. They think I'm just a dick who likes to beat people. We perpetuate that, I just want it done right." Stan said with a tired sigh. "It's been a long night, I am glad he has people to look after him."

Tony put his hand on Stan's shoulder, stopping him. "Thank you for giving him the time he needed. Thank you for worrying about him."

"I worry about all of them."

"Just an FYI, Jarvis has temporarily adjusted your cameras, so that last night is nothing but a blur. It will be fine when you open."

"I expected nothing less when you stepped trough that door." 

"I'll have Josh get you a lift home." Tony offered.

"It's alright, I'm only a few stops away on the five train."

"If your sure."

"Thank you Mr. Stark."

"Uk, Tony please. Mr. Stark was my father."

"Tony. Have a good day."

"Stan." Tony handed the Major back his ID and picked up the paper.

 

As Tony stepped back into the elevator Steve was wishing he had someone to lean on as the hot water ran down his back. It felt so good compared to the ice cold of whatever Tony had been pouring all over him. He was thankful that Thor and Tony had been there for him, but he hadn't wanted anyone to see him like that. He had to be strong for his team, now two of them knew he was anything but.

Steve sighed and reached for the soap, moving his arms was painful but in the way that you knew was good. A couple more hours of sleep and he'd be fine. 

Except Steve kept getting flashes of what he'd gone through all of this to forget. He tried not to focus on them, tried to push away the fear on Bucky's face while he clung to the train, the sound of Peggy's voice as he drove the plane into the ice, the sound of a gun shot in a concrete room...

Tony stepped into the bathroom to check on Steve and found him kneeling on the floor on the verge of hyperventilating again. Tony scrambled into the shower, jerking at the boiling hot water. "Steve, Steve. Look at me."

Steve tipped his head up, when had Tony gotten there? 

"Steve, I need you here with me. Can you do that?"

Steve blinked blankly at Tony.

"Steve, tell me what you see?" Tony's voice was firm.

"You." Steve's voice croaked. 

"But that's not all is it? Tell me."

"Bucky," Steve sobbed, "he's so scared. I can't reach his hand. I'm not big enough. He to far away."

"You tried everything to get to him. I know you did. You always give everything you have. If he was here and saw how your letting this tear you up what would he say to you?"

"He'd call me a punk.."

"Right. Who else? There's more than one isn't there? Peggy?"

Steve nodded, "Her voice begging me not to crash Schmidt's plane."

"She loved you, loves you." Tony corrects, "She wanted you to be safe. But you're safe now. Let her know that you're safe. You need to see her." Tony knew Steve hadn't gone to Aunt Peggy yet.

"I couldn't save Dr. Erskine."

"Steve, you can't save everyone. If it's their time, it's their time. It's not your fault. It's not your burden to carry."

Steve collapsed into Tony's arms. Tony tried to soothe Steve, he pulled the solider into his lap and let him cry himself empty. Thor appeared and he helped Tony get Steve on to the bed once more. He nodded at Tony and left them with Tony curling around Steve, murmuring soft words, petting Steve's hair.

Steve slept for almost ten hours. Tony slept next to him off and on, but would wake each time Steve started to shiver. Tony would tuck the blanket in a little tighter and tell Steve all the things that he thought were good about being in the twenty-first century. Tony would tell him about the foods that they got to enjoy regardless of the time of year, even talked about the foods from all over the world they got to taste. He told him of the medicines that would have helped Steve if he was still sickly. Tony told him of the books that he would have never gotten to read, movies he would never have gotten to see, music he would have never been able to listen to. He mentioned all the people who would never been saved by him if he hadn't slept for so many years, of all the friends who would be grieving just like he was. Each time Steve would settle down and fall back into a deeper sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve meets the one person he'd rather not meet today of all days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we're back to abusing Steve.  
> Oh well maybe it's just me.

When Steve finally surfaced it was in the twenty minutes Tony stepped into his penthouse office to tell Pepper he was taking a few days off. Steve could hear him. It made Steve's stomach clench. He staggered up and out of the penthouse, not caring he was still naked. He made it to his floor and pulled on when ever clothes were on the top of his drawers. He needed to get out, away, anything. He couldn't handle the sad face, the pitting look, the quiet conversation of 'oh but why'.

He took the stairs down until he hit the first SI floor then he took the elevator down to the lobby. He was in the middle of Washington Square Park before he knew that's where he was going. Once he tuned in enough to realize where he was he headed for the one thing that hadn't changed. He sat down on the bench below the Hangman's Elm and watched the people walk by. He'd only seen the tree once when he was a kid. He and Bucky had snuck on a cross town bus into the city and ended getting kicked off right at this corner. His Ma had been livid when she found out what they'd done. He wasn't allowed to see Bucky for a week. Course it had only lasted 'til the next day at school, but that had been the proclamation. 

He tried to push the memory away but instead decided to let it consume him, let it take him back to the days when the world was simpler, smaller, happier. 

He remember the gym Bucky took him to to try and get a little muscle on his frame, to maybe get his lungs a little stronger, maybe even get his heart to shape up. The sound of the snickers from the other gym rats as he'd hit the heavy bag and all it did was sway. How he couldn't even reach the stupid speed bag. 

He remembered the way the hospital smelled when on the rare chances he got to visit his Ma instead of her visiting him. The way her face would light up when she'd spy him on the right side of the hospital door. 

The look of surprise and begrudging pride on Colonel Philips saggy face when he came back into camp with all those prisoners. 

He let himself think of that one kiss with Peggy, the feeling that lanced through his heart when he knew there was no chance of ever getting that dance with her. 

The looks on the faces of the Commandos when he stuttered out that Bucky was gone. 

He was yanked out of his memories when a body sat down on the bench next to him. He didn't glance over, just shifted over and sat up properly, having been lounging like some hoodlum. He probably looked like one to, he realized when he noticed the dark stain down the side of the jeans he'd grabbed, it was paint but it looked like blood. 

"You know I believe in fate Captain. I believe that we are a connected in some stupid sappy way." The voice said next to him. He bit back the manners that screamed he need to look at the person talking to him. 

"Three times I've just been going on about my life and three times I've run into you."

Steve shrugged. He was sure he'd walked passed hundreds of the same people more than once.

"The first time was in a bank not to far from here. Well truly the first time I saw you, you were going out of a window of the bank to land on the roof of a car outside."

Steve nodded, he remembered that little flight. Had hurt like a bitch, he was sure he'd broken at least three ribs but by the end of the battle they were healed again.

"See that first time you lost your cowl, your hair was blonde but last night, well last night was the second time, and your hair was black, raven blue black, like your back ended up being by the time I was done using the chain you brought."

Steve stiffened. Yes this really was his luck.

"Now today, hair's still raven black but I'm guessing your back is pale Irish again."

Steve waited for the demand, the amount to keep quiet about Captain America using a sex dungeon. The 'I'll let you know where to meet me' comment. 

"It didn't help did it? Came rushing back in as soon as the endorphins wore off, maybe even a little worse than before."

Steve chanced a look at the man to his left. He wasn't even looking at Steve. He was leaned back on the bench looking up at the branches over head. Beaches that Steve had tried to jump up and touch almost a century ago. 

Steve shook his head but didn't answer out loud. 

"It probably never will. The thing about that kind of release, it needs to be with someone who you can trust with your life, someone you trust to keep you safe while you float around not thinking about it. You can't be worried that you have to leave before the first bruise starts to heal. Otherwise it's not a release its just new pain added on top of old. Then your mind pushes everything you tried to forget to the front because people are masochist bastards."

Steve nodded once. 

"Told Stark, you're 86ed out of the club. Left my name and number instead. The hair, not enough, nothing you do will be enough, because as soon as you take your shirt off, your shoulder to waist ratio is going to give you away. Sorry kid, you're screwed."

Steve really wanted to point out that more than likely he was a solid block of ice when this kid was born but he didn't. 

"Don't care what year you were born in, your what 25? If you're lucky."

"27."

"Good to see I didn't break your vocal cords."

Steve just ignored the comment.

"I have been where you are. Lost all but one of my unit in Iraq, the first Iraq. By the time the choppers got to us, it was just me. Watched a 20 year old kid bleed out in my arms eight hours before his 21st birthday. I'm never getting rid of that blood." The man lifts up his hands and turns them over before wiping them off on his slacks. "You lost every single person you ever knew. Overnight for you. Lost your culture, your religion, because come on mass in English?"

Okay so Steve may have snorted at that one.

"You lost your food, music, movies, sure that stuffs still around but it's vintage and retro and nostalgic but it's not everyday, you can't walk out the door and see it, you have to walk half way across Manhattan to sit under a tree to find some semblance of the life you knew."

Steve finally spoke, "You a shrink for your day job?"

"No Cap, I'm you in the 21st century, I'm a strategic analyst. I plan the missions the best I can so our boys don't bleed out in old men's arms."

"I'm sorry." Steve sighed. He felt so damn raw. But in some weird way he felt numb at the same time. 

"Did Stark stay with you last night?"

Steve nodded, "Left when I woke up, ended up here."

"He let you leave?" There was anger in the voice.

"Was on the phone with his CEO. Heard him say he wanted a few days away from the company."

"So I get to try to beat some sense into a super solider for being a dipshit not a robot armored playboy." The man let out a heavy sigh, "Great."

"Tony's not a playboy."

"Noticed you didn't defend yourself in that statement. That 'cause you know you shouldn't be out here by yourself? 'Cause the state you're in, your pretty much a prime candidate for a flashback of some kind?"

"Contrary to what the world thinks I am not a child. I have taken care of my self for years, all by myself."

"Right, because you didn't have Barnes with you most of it? Right. No it was just you against the world. Sorry the Smithsonian got it wrong. I'll send a letter over to the director and let him know. Write a few to all those history professors and writers so they can rewrite all the history books."

"And contrary to what he thinks, I didn't let him walk out of the building alone. Nor did I ever intend to." Tony plopped down on the bench on the other side of Steve. "Major."

"Tony, thought your were up to calling me Stan?"

"I am, but see Stevie here, well Steve has a thing about rank. Figured I'd be a dipshit if I didn't tell him yours. Thought that if I mentioned the gold leaves that live on your shoulders the Captain might remember a little of what you said today."

"Tailing your teammates?" Steve asked once Stark shut up.

"Tailing, no, keeping an eye on, fuck yes. I was in the lobby before you were. Figured that was going to be your play the second I wasn't looking. Figured I'd at least get to call Pepper first but hey. So look lets go over to that very delicious smelling diner and get some grub? Hmm? Stan, you game? I'm buying."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is a photo of Hangman's Tree in Washington Square Park.


	3. Why suddenly was there was pie? Or Steve had a rant...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think Steve channeled my inner angsty Bucky because he's very verbally hostile and I do not know where that came from. But it makes sense with what he's gone through so I didn't scrap and start over when it popped up.

The trio walked to the diner and found a booth towards the back. Tony all but shoved Steve in the corner, pinning him in the booth by sitting on the outside, leaving Stan the other side.

“What can I get you sweet boys to drink?”

Tony looked up to the waitress, “Well May, I think I want the biggest thickest 'I need a spoon to drink it' chocolate milkshake.”

May smiled and nodded as she scribbled on her pad, “And for the Captain?”

“A root beer,” Steve shrugged. He wasn't hungry but he somehow doubted he was going to get out of this booth without eating.

“Anything Major?”

“Coffee, May.”

“I’ll bring the sugar.” May nodded again walking away.

“She knows how you like your coffee?” Tony asked.

“Live a few blocks away, I’m in here about once a week.”

Tony smiled at the sound of the mixer starting up, it was one of his favorite sounds in the world. “So what are we going to do with our boy here?”

“Stark, not a boy and I don't need you to do anything,” Steve cut in defensively.

Tony turned to look at Steve head on, “Really, because last night helped you so much.”

“I’ll just do something else.” Steve shrugged, or what was more likely was find somewhere else.

“Like find someone who won’t care and will go to the press about your choice of stress management,” Stan said knowing where Steve's mind had gone. “That’s why all the back ally brawls, best you could do.”

Steve shook his head, “No, I was trying to stop bullies.”

Stan gave Steve a look that said he was not buying it. Tony’s expression was a mirror to Stan’s.

“I don’t care if you believe me or not.” Steve answered the looks.

“Steve, we care wether you believe us or not.” Tony sighed.

“I can take care of myself.”

“When in all of this did we say otherwise?” Stan asked. He didn't get to add anything else just then because May came back with their drinks.

“Did you boys want something to eat? Larry’s got a nice open face meatloaf sandwich.”

“You do mushroom Swiss burgers?” Tony asked.

“We do.”

Tony smiled and nodded, “Fries?”

“Straight cut or seasoned curly?”

“I like this woman, curly.”

May laughed, “Major?”

“I’m game for Larry’s meatloaf.”

“Captain Rogers?”

Steve figured he'd better order like he normally would and force himself to eat it, hopefully it would limit some of the questions. “I’ll take a mushroom Swiss and the meatloaf, straight cut fries for me though.”

“I’ll put that right in.”

When May was far enough away Stan spoke again, “No one said you couldn't look after yourself Captain, what we've said is that the current way you chose to take care of yourself is not the only option.”

“Would you rather I spent my days punching heavy bags until I drive Stark into bankruptcy? Would you rather I run until I haven't a clue where I am? Would you rather I snap and lash out at some poor fan asking for an autograph or so poor hostage who’s in the way of us taking out a villain? What exactly would you both like me to do? Because those are all things I have wanted to do. Because maybe, just maybe, at some point this skin crawling itch I’ve had since about two seconds after I woke up, will actually drive me far enough to do something. I have tried everything. I’ve tried the meds,” Steve held up a finger to count them off, “I burn through them so fast, I’d have to have a damn inline pump embedded in my side to have even the slightest effect.” Next finger, “I’ve talked to every shrink SHIELD had to offer plus a few, until I was red in the face, because unless I’m hypothermic I don't actually turn blue in the face anymore because I always have enough oxygen.” Third finger, “I’ve drank so much fucking hooch I could have given an entire college football team alcohol poisoning from breathing on them and not felt a fuck thing, from the booze, because I still felt everything else.” Fourth finger, “I’ve tried every meditation technique I could find and a few Bruce offered up.” Fifth finger and a hissed count, “Five, I’ve fucked everything I could touch to try to get one damn second of silence.” Steve dropped off his rant and slammed back into the back of the booth hard enough to rattle their table and the one attached behind them.

Tony had lifted an eyebrow at the meds comment because he was pretty sure it had truly been discussed since Steve had that many details. He really did want to make a comment of the football team reference but held his tongue because now was not the time to bait the seething tiger next to him.

Stan stepped in with, “So you thought you would try one more thing? Try to recreate at least something familiar from before the serum. And don't give me that line about stopping bullies, Captain. I’ve heard and read some of your speeches. You could have talked those bullies out of anything you wanted to, including their last dime. You came looking for nothing but pain and assumed that that would be enough. It doesn't work like that. It never has. Putting yourself in a place of just receiving pain will only dredge up everything you're trying to avoid. Because you had to stay coherent enough to leave before your bruises healed. Because you had to stay coherent enough to take a cab back to the Tower and not get caught.”

Tony interrupted before Stan could go on, “Two cabs actually. Had to remember enough to give a coffee shop address, walk a few blocks and hail another cab and give the Tower address.”

“There is no way last night was going to help you,” Stan explained but held a hand up when Steve opened his mouth to speak again. Then he had to wait because he saw May out of the corner of his eye with a giant tray. 

“You boys need anything else before I go back to the kitchen and not over hear whatever it is you’re working the Captain over the coals for?”

Steve’s face went scarlet and his eyes flashed.

“I haven't heard a thing, but I’ve seen Stan angry a time or two. And since Mr. Stark has you pinned…” May let the statement trail off.

“Thank you, May, I think we’re good for now,” Tony smiled and set a hand on her forearm.

“Just shout out if you need anything, well shout my name, otherwise I’ll make sure to keep my hearing aides turned down,” May nodded, patted Tony’s hand and left the trio.

When May was behind the wall separating the kitchen from the floor Steve spoke up, “Let me out,” his voice was low and menacing.

Tony fought the urge to shiver and move, Howard had gotten that tone a couple times, it had never boded well for young Tony. “No, you need to eat. You need to eat more than lunchmeat, cheese and fruit,” Tony amended when Steve tried to speak again, knowing he was going to try and counter with the food he and Thor had fed him last night.

“Stark.”

“No,” By Newton, he wanted to bring up bullies and Howard and a ton of other things to point out how badly Steve was acting but he just couldn't bring himself to do that. There was barely a civil friendship between the two, any one of those things would kill it as surly as Steve smashing the reactor to pieces with his shield.

“If I try to eat any of this you're going to end up wearing it because it is NOT GOING TO STAY DOWN!”

“Then don't eat,” Stan said, “take a breath and try to, well they say not to say this but, CALM THE FUCK DOWN!” Stan snapped back at the Captain, and suddenly instead of a snarling tiger they had a simpering cub. Well, not simpering really, but the Captain had sat back in his seat again and was blinking quickly. Stan humphed and picked up a fry.

Tony shifted in the seat a little bit trying to calm himself down. Tension in their corner of the diner was high enough to level an entire empath convention. “We understand everything you just listed off Steve. Trust me, I understand all it. I didn't lose nearly 70 years but I did loose three months and was forced to build a suit in order to save my self and another person, who then died to give me more time to get all the bastards. I understand about meds not working, the reactor messes with my chemistry. Meds rarely work right. I spent more of my mid-twenties and thirties so drunk I don't remember them, AT ALL. I have patents for things I don't remember designing, let alone building a prototype for. I have companies I didn't know existed to set up a buy out for. And the fucking thing, I have sex tapes I do not remember participating in, consensually or not. And by that I mean even after seeing them I couldn't tell you a fuck thing about that month, let alone that week or day or hour.”

Steve’s breathing had settled down into mild hyperventilation. His mouth was dry so he grabbed up one of the water glasses littering the table and drank it in one gulp. He set it down and grabbed another. And then something that hadn't happen since 1944 happened, Steve Rogers got the hiccups.

Tony cracked up and had to press himself in the seat back to keep from falling under the table. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

Stan shook his head. “What a fucking mess,” he picked up another fry and his fork to start in on his lunch. 

Steve groaned and tried to slide under the table but there wasn't any room. It took almost five minutes for them to stop and Tony snorted and laughed the whole five minutes. Steve’s stomach was sore like it hadn't been since about ’43 and his face felt as red as it had when he'd been stupid enough and try to sneak a kiss from Elaine in the third grade, back around ’26.

“Are you done?” Stan asked, still being the sensible one, and to Tony that made complete sense. 

Steve felt childish, he simply shrugged his shoulders. He’d had the hiccups for fuck sakes, he could be childish.

Tony shoved one of the plates toward him, “Try please?”

Steve glared, shook his head and snapped up a hand full of fries. He really wanted to keep up the childish thing and smash them all in his mouth like a three year old but he was to mature for that, and somehow he knew it would end up with him choking and looking even more like the amadán.

“What I was trying to point out, Captain, isn't necessarily the what you tried, but the where. I wouldn't have a leg to stand on if I found people who choose to come to my club somehow lacking. I find them very strong and brave, but I also know that with that kind of release, you have to have time. You have to be able to relish in the freedom it provides. You need to be able to stay in that place other wise all it does is stir the pot.”

“If that is what it takes for you Steve, it can be made safe for you. But last night didn't put you in the place you needed to be. I know from experience, you are worse off then you were yesterday. I can see it in your eyes. Part of it is because we literally have you cornered, but ninety-nine percent of it is because you didn't get to let anything go.”

Steve really hated it when people pointed out how irrational he could be. Of course, it had only ever been Bucky up until five seconds ago, “Fine. You're both right. Feel better?”

“No, we want to be wrong. We want for you to be all right enough to not need any of it,” Stan offered.

Steve rolled his head, way to make the biggest guy at the table feel the size of a flea. “I didn't mean it like that,” Steve sighed and carefully took a sip of his root beer. 

“We know, we are all frustrated. Us because we care and you well for the same reason, because we care,” Tony shrugged before tipping his head to the side to try and figure out how to pick up his burger to eat it. He rolled his eyes, shook his head and snatched up his fork and pried off a section.

Stan snorted, “Girl.”

“So, I’m not wasting a bit of this and the construction is so bad it will fall apart and some of it will hit the floor.”

Steve rolled his eyes as well and ate a few more fries before the butterflies died off enough for him to eat anything else. When they did settle, he was ravenous, he eat everything on both his plates and over half of Tony’s fries before May poked her head out and rushed over with a huge basket of fries. “I knew that want gonna be enough for a boy like you. Larry’s got pie too, if you're interested. His chocolate peanut butter never last to the dinner rush.”

“Oh May, my love, yes.” Tony nodded and rubbed his hands together in glee. 

“You are the charmer aren't you?” May chuckled, walking over to a large cooler in the corner by the register. She returned with the promised pie and a slice of pecan pie. The slice she set in front of Stan, the pie she put nearer to Tony than Steve, but he was nearly finished with the basket of fries, so she suspected this was the only shot he had at getting any of that pie. She’d have Larry drop another bag of fries and fix one of the steaks he hid in the back for his date night. His lady friend could just share.

Tony took one bite and moaned, Steve’s head snapped over to him, his face flushed bright red as he coughed on the fry that went down wrong. 

“I think Larry broke him,” Stan smiled. He’d had that particular pie and knew how good it was, that’s why May had brought the pecan over, so he wouldn't eat the chocolate peanut butter, because he would and had eaten the whole thing in one sitting. And paid for the next day, and at the next PT qualification.

Steve had gotten his breath back. He really had meant everything when he’d said he’d fucked everything. In this new world of gender-fluidity and more acronyms for sexual orientations than New York had cabs, he was fairly certain he'd crossed every one of them off his supposed v-card list. God this century was weird, but hearing Tony moan like that had been a very erotic experience. “Wasn’t aware he was still breakable.”

“Oh yeah, baby, in so many ways. I sort of want to curl up in this thing and just absorb it through osmosis or maybe curl around it and hiss, MINE, my precious, at you when you try to take a bite. Like I need to order at least one a day for the Tower and not tell anyone I did it.”

“Share or I will tell everyone,” Steve threatened.

“You can be vicious when you want to be,” Tony sighed and slid the pie a little closer to Steve, but only the tiniest little bit. It was enough, because Steve snagged the largest bite the fork could hold and eat it. Tony scooped a huge section out on to one of the plates and grabbed one more as Steve pulled the whole dish towards himself. 

“So are you still talking to us or are we persona non grata?”

Steve shrugged, his mouth was to full of pie to answer and he wasn't stopping until it was gone.

“I really don't want to shake my head again so I’m just waiting for you to chock again,” Stan was amazed at how fast the Captain could eat.

“When pies gone,” Steve’s mother would smack him with the newspaper if she was here to see him talk with his mouth full, and for sassing someone who was in some ways his elder.

“What would your mother say?” Tony laughed. 

Steve just glared and kept plowing through the pie. He saw May come around the corner again with another basket of fries and a plate. “I figured you meed a bit more protein, I made Larry raid his date night steak stash.”

“That’s a mouthful, I would really like to meet Larry and shake the hand of the man that made that pie. And find out what official I need to bribe to get him to make me one everyday until I die fat and happy.”

***


End file.
